Of Love and Lunacy
by starahel
Summary: I write these letters to Devi. I never send them. But I hope one day, they'll bring her back to me.
1. Three Evils

May 5,1997

Dear Devi,

It has been a few days since my last letter. No, wait. I lied. Its been two minutes. Two **FUCKING** minutes. I have so much I want to say to you, but everything I think of saying to you, sends tingles through my body. I can't tell if they're good tingles. Maybe they're bad. But they're the exact same tingles I used to get when I talked to you. I miss our talks, Devi. I miss you. I still remember the first day I met you...

* * *

The day was calm. The wind blew slightly, my hair swayed with it. My hands were deep in my pockets now. Each step I took on the sidewalk echoed through the neighborhood. Bringing nearby children to run inside. I was lonely. As were you.  
Strange glances were replacing friendly conversations. No one bothered to say 'Hello'. _No one_. I overheard a pair of elderly ladies talking about me. 

"Did you see that boys hair?"  
"What is he wearing?"  
"Do you think his mother knows what he looks like?"

_My mother is dead. And you're lucky you're not._ I remember thinking.

A group of people who looked like me were across the street. They stared me down. Their eyes were burning holes through my head. One of the girls whispered to another. I couldn't hear what they were saying. Those lucky bastards, I couldn't hear them. I dug my fingernails into my skin. Hoping to resist the urge of ripping their skulls apart. I walked on. But they wouldn't leave me be. They walked along with me. I didn't hurry. I didn't want to show them I was weak. I'm not weak. Not like them.

They crossed the street. The six.. or maybe it was seven.. of them crossed, dodging cars. They were behind me now. Their boots hitting the ground sounded like an army of people. Ready to shoot anyone. They weren't very close. Yet I could feel their hot breath on the back of my neck. I closed my hands into fists now. I wasn't afraid to take them. I wasn't afraid to kill all of them. I was in front of a book store now. I didn't know there was a bookstore here. I didn't know anyone could read in this town.

I stopped. Hoping that they would just walk by. I didn't feel like killing anyone. Was that possible? I just washed my coat. I didn't want 'faggot' blood on me. **Note to self: Look up definition of faggot. **(I get called that a lot.) The guys circled around me. The girls watched from a distance. Giggling to themself. The guys were bigger than me. More muscular. Taller. Uglier. _Heh. Heh. I'm funny._ I looked up at them with big eyes and asked,

"Can I help you?"  
They didn't respond. Maybe they were retarded.

"I saw.. you.. Yous was staring at meh girl."  
His voice was deep, he spoke slow. I just stared at him. His hair was dyed black. From the look of his roots, he used to be blonde. He was large. More to love I suppose. His tight pants gave me nightmares. His shirt wasn't doing him any good either.

"I'm not sure what you're talking about. You see, I was just going for a walk--"

"SHUDDUP. I knows what I's saw. Are yous calling mes stupid?"

_Kind of._

I gave out a loud sigh. He must of not liked the way I exhaled. Next thing I knew his fist met my face. And what a blow it was. I reached for my pocket knife. But his friends held my wrists back. They pushed me against the glass window of the bookstore. I struggled. I was never outnumbered. I kicked up my legs. It didn't do any good. His fist just kept meeting my face. Then my stomach, then lower. I tasted blood in my mouth. Oh how they would pay. If I could just reach into pocket... Another blow to the face. I felt liquid slither down my face. My lip was stinging. My left eye was shut tight. As hard as I tried it wouldn't open. Through my other eye I saw the other side of the street. Strangers looked over at me. Met my eye contact. And walked on. _What has this world come to? _

I heard police sirens. They were wailing. Echoing. But the guys weren't stopping. The car pulled up in front of us.

"Son, you know you could be arrested for this right? Come on Monkey butt."

"DAD!"

"Get in the car, Son."  
He stopped hitting me, his friends grips loosened, and they let go. I dropped to the floor. The bookstore's door swung open. I could barely see. My only eye stung, it was hard keeping it open. I felt a hand grab my arm. I flinched under the contact. A hand smoothed back my hair. Blood pushed through the gash in my lip. A figure walked towards me.

"I guess next time, you'll know better than to mess with my boy."  
His voice was high pitched.

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! YOU'RE GORILLA OF A SON ATTACKED HIM!"  
It was a womans voice. It ringed in my ear. I looked over towards her, my vision still blurry. I could make out black hair.

"I'd shut your mouth if I was you, young lady."

"Don't talk to her like that."  
I mumbled.

"What was that son?"

I cleared my voice.

"Don't talk... to her... like... that."  
He leaned over, his face was inches from mine.

"Whatever pansy boy. Next time, I'll just let my son kill you."  
He turned to walk away, I grabbed his wrist and spun him around. I pulled him down to me and whispered in his ear,

"If you touch her, I'll kill you so hard, you'll die to death."

Not the best comeback. But he walked away frightened.

She smoothed my hair back once more, and grabbed my leg.

"You're going to be ok. I'll take care of you. Don't worry."

I shook my head, and then came darkness.

* * *

**A/N: This is my second JTHM story. This one has been in progress for a couple of days. I have to update my other one still. Please review!**


	2. When The Sun Sleeps

**10/14/06: **Hello guys! I hope I'm not taking to long to update this. I worked on this instead of my essay :). That choice will probably bite me in the ass tomorrow. Anywho. Here it goes! Please review! You guys motivate me:)

_

* * *

Those bastards are going to pay. All of them. I'm going to wipe that smug look off their face. They'll see. They'll pay for messing with Johnny C. _

My eyes are heavy. I can barely open them. I try to move my fingers. Nothing. I try once more. My fingers twitched, along with my hand. I work up enough strength to move my hand to my chest.

"I think he's waking up." I hear someone whisper. I don't know why they whisper. From the sound of breathing, there's only one other person in the room. I feel a hand touch my own. I flinch at the contact. I try my best not to spring up and skin them right on the spot. Their skin felt like a burning sensation against my own. I hate being touched. But somehow this time is different. I finally open my eyes. My vision is blurry. All I can make out is light. A figure comes before me. Now all I see is shadow. I try to rub my eyes. But it seems my arms gave out. I blink once or twice. It seems to help. I open my eyes again. Her green eyes meet mine. We stare at each other in silence. Our breathing making up for conversation.

"Are you ok?"  
Her soothing voice frightens me. My immediate response would be to squirm away. But her eyes keep me in place. Her hot breath tickles my cheek, and sends chills down my spine. My mouth is dry. Words usually come so easy for me. They're now incredibly hard to get out. I shake my head. Reassuring her that I'm not retarded. My head is pounding. I place my hand on it. It's sensitive to my touch. I must have a bruise. I look back up at her. Her green eyes haven't left me, they're filled with worry. How can she show so much compassion? I haven't even met her before. Are all strangers like this? _No_. They can't be. All those people I killed weren't a tiny bit like her. She walks away. I want to tell her not to go. She fumbles with a cabinet. She's mumbling to herself. I stare at her back as she turns back around. She hands me a bag. Its cold. I'm not sure what to do with it. She squats down next to me and places her hand under mine, she lifts the bag towards my head. I look over at her. It all comes rushing back to me. The fight, the arrogant cop, and my rescuer. I ask her questions nonverbally. Do I know you? Why did you help me? Did I end up killing those guys? Who are you?

"I'm Devi."  
She's read my mind.

"Do you have a name?"  
She raises her eyebrows and lets out a little smile.

"Johnny." I reply. I can't even recognize my own voice. It cracks slightly.

"Johnny, huh? Can I call you Nny for short?"

I nod my head in agreement, "If you want to."

"Well then, _Nny. _What brings you to my bookstore?" She says it as a joke.

_Bookstore?_ I looked around for the first time since I've regained consciousness. Shelves and shelves of books surround me.

"You own this place?"

"No… But I like to think of it as my home away from home. I lived here for a few months when I moved out of my parents to live with my boyfriend…."

_Boyfriend. _The word cuts me for some reason.

"… Or should I say **_ex_**-boyfriend. He kicked me out, I needed money, so I got a job at this wonderful place! It doesn't pay much. But.. It sheltered me. I have a small place of my own now."

I stare at her some more. I'm surprised I haven't lost interest yet.

"But enough about me.. What about you Nny?"

"Huh?"

"What do you like doing?"  
I don't answer. But she looks like she wants to listen.

"There's not much to say about me….. I stay home 99 percent of the time…... For the other 1 percent I'm usually out… picking people who bug the shit out of me, taking them home and killing them."

Her eyes widen.

"Oh, and paint my wall with their blood, because if I don't an angry monster will come out of it and swallow me." I add hoping it would make her feel better.

She looks frightened.

"Hahaha," She replies bitterly, "If you're such a '_homicidal maniac_' why didn't you beat the crap out of those bastards? I wish someone would. They come in here all the time. The big stupid one always tries to fondle me. Its quite disturbing."

My teeth clinch together, my hands form into fists. I look down at them, and slowly release my grip. Why was I so angry? I barely even know this girl. I can't care about her.

There's a small sound. Almost like a bell ringing. Then a door shutting. We both direct our attention towards it. She lets out a little grumble from her throat.

"Duty calls. Be right back."

I shake my head once more and watch her leave. Now what to do with those bastards? Hmmmm… I could slit their throats with some pages from these books. Or maybe… I can push them into the lake. With concrete shoes chained to their ankles. Or maybe I can……. Something catches my ear. I look towards the ceiling. Drip. Drip. Drip. Its raining. Thunder starts. I hear inaudible words through the door. Then a shriek.

* * *

"AHHH GET OFF ME!" 

My head snaps to the door. I rush over. My hand grips the cold knob, as I pull it towards me. The rain is sliding down the glass windows. Thunder flashes onto the dark street. I see two figures. One is struggling to get away. The other holds tightly to their victims neck. Their hand roaming the others body freely. Another flash of lightening and faces match the body. She squirms frantically. Scratching any piece of skin she can reach with her cat like nails. She stomps her foot against his own. It doesn't seem to harm him. She's turning red. Her knee hits his groin. He stumbles back. The big bastard he is, his reflexes are slow, but he's strong. God damn he's strong. He begins running towards her. Her eyes are wide with terror. The pain that ached my muscles are no longer there. I charge at him with full force. He topples over a tiny bit. Soon enough we're outside on the wet concrete. I'm not sure how. The street is dark and deserted. The only noise is the sound of his panting, and his continuous begs for mercy. My knuckles are bloody now. His face is too. I look over to her through the glass window. She's still shaken. My hairs dripping wet, and clings to my face. I'm going to make sure this bastard gets what he deserves. Not for making a fool of me. But harming the only person I may ever care for. _I care for her? _I drag him away from the view of the window. Into an alley, it's twice as dark. They might not see me kill him, but they'll sure as hell hear him. I struggle with his weight. I stand behind him, I stick the four fingers of my hands into his mouth. My thumbs are pressed against his cheek. My fingertips are moist from his cheek tissue. I pull my hands away from each other. His screams are high pitched. They almost make my ears bleed. Soon enough I hear him scream one last time. I feel a crack, and liquid slide down my hand. My first thoughts is that its just rain. I look down as thunder strikes again. The liquid is red. My work here is done. I let his limp body fall from my grip. I round the corner to the book store. I stare at my hands. I can't let her see them. She's already frightened. I wipe them on my wet coat. _Damn, I just washed this._

I pause and look through the glass window. She's sitting on the floor. Her knees pulled up to her chest, she leans her back against the registers wooden counter. Her face is flushed red, her hand grips…her stomach? Or maybe something lower. The tip of my hair drips water into my eyes. I place a hand on the glass. I see something. Perhaps it was just the rain sliding down the window. No. I see it again.

She is crying.

* * *

Thanks for reading! 

**Tamagoakura:** Thanks! It's quite difficult not to make it out of character. Johnny never really lets anyone in. So.. hopefully I'm going a good job :)

**InsomniAsylum: **Hopefully this chapter changed your mind? Yes? No? Ok :( haha.

**Invader Johnny**:... I'm not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing?

**PhantomVarg: **Me too! I just needed a way for them to meet.

**sunglassesANDunicorns**: Hopefully this was fast enough? Haha

**tolazytologin:** Yay for detail:)

**Sacred Suicide:** Sorry. Hopefully this cleared something up?

Please reviewww:)


	3. Strange How We Shake

**10/20/06:** Hello again! I hope I'm not taking too long to update. School gets in the way. I'm trying to get this out tonight, I have practice tomorrow.

**10/22/06:** So I didn't get it out on Friday like I planned. But I'm getting it out today! Whether I like it or not!  
PS: Keep those reviews coming! You guys motivate me:)

* * *

I stand still, uncertain of what to do. I hear sirens coming closer through the pouring rain. I hesitate. My hand traces the glass to the door. I grab the handle and pause. I look back up at her, I can't leave now. I open the door and walk in. 

My feet leave foot shaped puddles behind me. My hair drips water to the carpet floor. I'm mere feet in front of her. I stare down at her, flashing lights direct my attention to the window. Red and blue lights swim around in the night air. I fall to my knees and crawl up beside her. Resting my head on the counter as she is. She's shaking. I'm not sure what to do. A single tear runs down her cheek. I've only seen one other woman cry before.

My mother.

* * *

_There was pounding at the door. Followed by foul language and slurs. _

"OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR. I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE."  
It was a mans voice. His voice was deep and serious.

My mother took me by the hand and led me up the stairs and into their bedroom. My father remained at the door. Pushing his body against it.

"Johnny. Look. I need you to hide under here OK?"  
I shook my head and looked past her shoulder to my father. His back was against the door and his face was red and moist.

"JOHNNY." She took my chin with her fingers and forced me to look at her. My eyes widened. "Stay under here until I say its safe to come out OK?"

"OK Mommy." I replied. I turned to crawl under the small crack under the bed. She grabbed me by the arm and spun me around into her arms. Her heart beat was frantic as she held on to me. She kissed the top of my head as she pushed me away from her. She dropped to her knees.

"I love you, Johnny."

"I love you too, Mommy." A small smile came to her face. A single tear rolled down her cheek.

"Mommy? Why are you crying?"  
She opened her mouth to speak. My father began yelling. His words were incoherent. Her attention darted towards the window. With a single hand she pushed me under the bed. I crawled under. My head barely peeking out. I heard crashing. Kind of like glass. A high pitched scream.

_  
"You fucking slut."_

"_Just walk away while you can. Please. Don't do this." My mother pleaded to the man. _

"CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER?"  
My fathers footsteps were heard pounding up the steps.

"Are you O--" He paused.  
I looked frantically from the three pairs of feet.

"So this is the bastard huh?"  
The man took a step towards my mother.  
"Well then, You'll have the pleasure of watching me kill him. Slowly. And painfully."  
My mother gasped.

"Well, well well." The man walked past my mother and moved onto my father.

"What do you want?" My father replied. His voice calm.

"I want you out of the way. That's what I want. But we all can't have happy endings now can we? I'll start out with how I met your wife and how I fucked her."

"THAT'S NOT TRUE!" My mother defended.

"I know, Honey." My fathers voice was honest.

"Well, she would come into the store. Every Saturday. And go to my cash register. After a while, I noticed how pretty she was. And how much I longed to be with her. To touch," he moved back to my mother, "Every inch of her skin." His hand was no longer at his side, but somewhere on my mother. "How I wanted to taste her," He took another step towards her. "How I wanted to be the only one in her life." He turned back around. "Did she ever tell you I asked her out?" He didn't wait for a reply. "Well I did. And when she declined I thought my world would fall apart. I waited for the next Saturday to come along, to confront her in one of the aisles. And make her fall in love with me. I even fixed my hair all nice. And then when she came in, she was holding a ki--" He dropped his voice to a whispery snarl. "Where's the kid." It was more of a statement than a question.

"He's not here." My father answered bravely.

"Oh, now now. Think about what you are doing! By letting him live. He'll grow up parentless! With, after all, both of you will be dead by the end of this conversation."  
I gave out a little gasp, but quickly covered my mouth with my tiny hands.

"_Oh well. Not my problem." He spun around. My mother ran over to my father's side. The man took a step towards the two. _

_"Goodbye darling." His hands tangled with her hair and pulled her to the opposite side of the room. She dropped to the floor on her knees._

_"DON'T! PLEASE! JUST STOP!" She pleaded once more._

_"NO. THIS IS YOUR FAULT! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS LOVE WITH ME! IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?" He stopped talking and grabbed my father. Pulling him to the ground, then onto the bed. The mattress bounced on top of me. I can hear my father gasping for air. The man's hands tight around his throat. This went on for what seemed like hours. When finally my father decided to fight back. He threw his foot into the mans stomach. The man toppled backwards. He reached into his pocket, it was shiny. Then pounced back onto the bed._

_"No, NO! STOP IT!" My fathers voice was now frantic. The movement on the bed turned into a frenzy. Then, they suddenly stopped._

_"NOO!" My mothers voice cried._

_"Your turn, bitch."  
The man jumped off the bed and landed on the floor. He kicked her over to her backside and straddled her. He brought his mouth close to her neck._

_"AHHH GET OFF OF ME!"  
My mother was able to push him off. She ran towards the door, he grabbed her hair and pulled her back. His bear like paws grasped her shoulders tight. He began shaking her._

_"Why? WHY? WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST LOVE ME?" His shaking began picking up speed._

_"BECAUSE YOU'RE PSYCHOTIC!"  
He let her body dropped to the floor. She sat on her knees._

_"Psychotic?……. Not even close." He felt around the waistband of his pants and pulled out an object. "Bye bye beautiful." There came a sound. Like the cocking of a gun. Then a blast. My mother rolled over to her side. She was face to face with me. She struggled with her words, as she grasped her stomach._

_"I….I…..I….Love….You….Johnn….Johnnnyy." Another tear rolled down her cheek and fell to the floor. She reached out her hand, and I took it reluctantly. The man turned to leave. I heard his heavy footsteps beating against the steps. The front door slammed shut. I waited a few seconds, then crawled out. I released my mothers hand and ran over to the window. The man was wearing a white shirt, covered in blood. And simple blue jeans. He ran his hand through his hair and walked on. I ran back over to my mother. Flipped her over onto her back._

_"Mommy? MOMMY?" Her eyes were shutting. My eyes released tears. I crawled up next to her and kissed her cheek. They weren't as warm as they used to be. I looked back at her. Her eyelids were shut. "Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY WAKE UP!" I shook her. When no response came, I pounded my fists into the carpet floor. There was a slight stirring on the bed. "Daddy?" I jumped up onto the bed. He was barely alive. The white sheets were painted red. I placed my small hand on his cheek, rough with stubble. He coughed, and blood appeared. He coughed again, another puddle of blood. "We'll…We'll… be.. Watching.. Over you.. Son… We…Love….Youu…." I shook my head,_

_"NO! DON'T LEAVE ME!" It was too late. I curled up into his arms. His warmth was escaping. I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up, his heat was gone. And so was he. My mother was still sprawled out on the floor. Her life taken as well. My parents. Were dead._

I shake my head to clear my thoughts, I look back at her. The hair on her arms are standing, goose bumps have formed. Her body lightly shaking. I'm still uncertain of what to do. I touch her bare skin, she flinches as much as I would of. I wrap an arm around her shoulders, like I've seen others do. She doesn't react at first and then she rests her head against my chest. Another strike of lightning. The lights go out. We sit still in the dark, her faint sobs are the only sound breaking the silence.

* * *

Do you remember that, Devi? Well I do. That's the first I ever held onto someone like that. Especially a girl such as yourself. I never felt such emotions run through me like that. Those tingles. I understand them now. They're good tingles. Very good tingles. 

Love, Johnny.

_

* * *

_  
**Thanks for reading! Please review!**

**Invader Johnny:** Oh.. Sowwwwy :)

**sunglassesANDunicorns:** Yayyy!

**tolazytologin:** I'm glad you're enjoying it:)

**thesupernugget:** Welll, This is the end of his first letter! The second will be in the next chapter!

**Tentomushi:** Yep, he be dead :)

**PhantomVarg:** Dude, You're awesome. Hahahehehe :)

**Sango-Miroku-4ever:** Hi best friend:) Can't wait for movie night/sleep over:):):)


	4. I've been dying to reach you

**11/4/06:** Hi guys! Sorry this is taking so long. I'm lagging behind! I know! I know! Its school! But hey! I got a B in math and now I'm getting a new phone! Yesssssss. Anyways here it goes!

**11/19/06:** Wow. I've been failing to update this. But no worries! No school for a whole week! Expect updates!

PS. Another reason I couldn't update for a while was because of Samahan! It was yesterday and Westview got second! Wahoo:)

**11/20/06:** I'm failing miserably haha.

* * *

May 6, 1997 

Dear Devi,

Don't you think I forgot about you. Because I never can. No matter how hard I try. I just can't. So don't you dare think I forgot about you. I read over my last letter. Remembering everything I felt that night. And how much I wanted to know why you were crying. But then I would look at you and wouldn't care why you were crying, because it brought you closer to me. I remember I kept telling myself that once I worked up enough nerve I would ask you.

I never did work up enough nerve.

After I realized that, I also realized that I was writing a letter to you. Why am I writing letters to you? I'm never going to send them. You're never going to read them. Then what's the point? Well my dear, I've realized. I'm not truly being honest to you. I'm not just writing these for you. I'm writing them for me. So that, when I do eventually forget you, I will read these, and remember you. And remember the way you made me feel. The way you still _make_ me feel.

_

* * *

_

My head is pounding as I finally open my eyes. Sun rays shine into my eyes. I move away from the light and back into a counter. It echoes from the contact. I look around, confused at my surroundings. Then it suddenly hits me. The bookstore, the rain, the blackout. The girl. Where is she? I look around frantically. Shes laying beside me. Her back is to me. Shes not moving. I don't think shes dead. I've seen a dead person (or two) before. Shes still breathing, her breathings irregular though. I think to turn her over, but decide against it. I peer over her shoulder, her eyes are closed. A small spasm runs through her body. Shes having a nightmare. I place my hand on her shoulder, her skin is a sickly pale. She lets out a gasp as her eyes shoot open. Her green eyes meet mine. Color starts to return to her face as her eyes still remain on me. They melt my cold heart. They're filled with anger, sadness, confusion. All I want to do is take away all her pain. But how can I when I ache myself? Her eyes are different than yesterday. They seem… bolder. I just need to hear her voice. It'll calm me. I just need her to say that she's OK. And that everything is OK. She inhales sharply.

"Maybe… you should go."

Her voice cracks slightly, the words burn holes into my chest. Her voice is different, its not as soft as it used to be. Is she changing? Dear whatever God is listening, please don't change her. Please don't tell me she just said that.

_I'm not leaving you. _

I felt like I screamed it, she didn't react to it. I tried again.

"I should go."  
What?! That's not what I wanted to say!

She shakes her head as I stand up. She wanted this, she brought this upon her self. I was willing to stay as long as she wanted me too. I head towards the door, I'll be back to check on her. I hope that salesman is still alive, I'll just pound the shit out of him. The chimes hanging above the door sang and stopped once the door was shut, and I was on my way home. I look in the window once more, shes still on the floor.

"I'll be back."

I whisper against the glass. She turns her head to look, but by then I'm gone.

* * *

I pound my head against the crème colored walls. My hand is in a fist now, pounding against the wall also. What is wrong with me? Why do I care? So she took me in for a night! It's not like I have feelings for her. _Do I?_ I grab my coat off the chair and head outside. Fresh air will help me think straight. I sit on the curb. My boots in the sewage water. My elbows are resting on my legs as I bury my face in my hands. I hear footsteps coming towards me. They seem to have stopped. I look up and see a familiar face. Her eyes are red and heavy.

"Devi."

I shoot up and look towards her. I am unsure of what to do. Shes looks so frail, as if I can break her with my words. She takes a hesitant step towards me and stops. She crashes her head against the crook of my neck. I feel her wrap her arms around my chest, bringing me closer. My arms stall to lock themselves around her, then they finally fold, my hand comforting her back. Her body shakes as if its going to fall to pieces. I tighten my grip. Her innocent face looks at me, as if shes asking if I'll keep her safe. My lips brush slightly against her cheek as I whisper in her ear,

"No ones ever going to hurt you again."

Shes comforted by the fact I knew what was on her mind. She settles back in the crook of my neck. I rock slightly trying to soothe her.

The sun begins to set as I walk back to the bookstore. She walks close to me, our footsteps in cadence. We haven't spoken a word since that afternoon. But that's just fine with me, the silence is bare able. As long as I'm in her presence. (God, have I listened to myself lately? I sound like a love struck puppy!)

I stop at the door, but she keeps walking. I cock my head to the side as she reaches out a hand. I look down at it, then wipe my hand on my pants first, then grab it. I can feel my hand moisten already. A few teenage kids walk past us, they're wearing black from head to toe. One looks at the other, they both look at us.

"What a lucky girl." One whispers.

The other says, "They look they're made for each other."

I want to correct them, and tell them we're just friends. But I do not. She rests her head on my shoulder as we come closer to a house. We walk up the walkway and I stop at the door. The door creaks open and she steps in. Her hand is still intertwined with mine. I let go, but she doesn't.

"Come inside," her voice is barely above a whisper, "I don't want to be alone tonight."

_Neither do I._

She creeps into the bed sheets and settles in. She looks so peaceful, so beautiful. In moments shes fast asleep. I walk over to her bedside, trying to resist the urge to caress her innocent face. My hand reaches out towards her and I wipe away the hair that has fallen onto her face. I let out a deep breath. I could leave right now if I wanted. _But I don't want to._ I silently close the bedroom door and lean against it, taking in the fragrance of her. I stare deeply at her, then close my eyes. Imagining myself lying next to her once again.

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**Sorry if this is short. I don't really think this chapter is needed. Its kind of cute in a weird way. I'm way excited for the next chapter. Sooooo, review if you want to read it:)**

**Indigo:**Hehehe, I believe my work here is done then:)

**tolazytologin:** Thank you:)

**LiLSoRaCHaN: **I would hug him too! Except.. That would probably be dangerous hahaha.

**Invader Johnny:** Yesss! I knew I would win you over eventually:)

**thesupernugget:** You'll find out next chapter ;).

**Killer Muffin:** Heheh thank you!

**Tentomushi**:O! And that's all I have to say haha.

**Sango-Miroku-4ever: **Hi:)

**SunglassesANDunicorns: **heh. Thanks.

**Please Reviewwww:)**


	5. Finding out true love is blind

I KEEP FORGETTING TO PUT THE DISCLAIMER!

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything Johnny related! Please don't sue me :)**

I am sooooooooooo sorry this has taken such a long time to get out. I had it written like weeks ago, but I didn't like it. So I just let it sit, waiting for ideas to hit me. AND THEY HAVE:)

**A/N: **Please be aware that this chapter is from Devi's point of view :)

* * *

June 14, 1997. 

Dear Johnny,

Heh. Ironic isn't it? I started a Dear John letter with Dear Johnny. Well, I found it amusing. I feel quite silly, writing a letter to you. I'm not going to send it. My therapist thought it best if I got my feelings out. And that's what I'm doing. Getting my feelings out. Now where should I start? I've been…. thinking about you. A lot lately. To tell you the truth, I haven't stepped outside of my house since.. The _incident._ I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm afraid, maybe I just can't stand to face you anymore. Maybe I'm just worried that you'll try to hurt me again. Not physically, but emotionally. You hurt me Johnny. You cold hearted bastard, you really did a number on me. Remember those white jackets that people used to put on lunatics? Like that movie we saw together? They had me in one of those. For the longest time too. I used to scratch at my skin. And try to get your touch off me. I tried to burn the flesh that I felt your hand on. My scars are healing now. My hand still shakes at the mention of your name. God damn you. Sometimes. When I close my eyes. I can feel your hot breath against the back of my neck. Or your calloused hands against my skin. I can feel your body heat against me. Or your bones scraping against my own. I wake up screaming every night. Therefore, I've learned to despise sleep. Much like you.

* * *

I feel his hands find their way to my thighs. His warm breath beats against my neck as I look over at him. He shows assertiveness and calmness in his eyes. I allow him to do whatever he pleases. His lips brush against mine as sweat forms on his forehead. I ache to taste him. To feel his skin against my skin. I bite my lip until I taste blood. I want him, I need him. I close my eyes, as his direction moves downward. His thumbs massage my inner thighs. A low growl escapes from his throat. I open my eyes and am face to face with a stranger. Its _that_ man. The same man that tried to hurt me that night. His black hair is now this strangers dark brown. Johnny's soft eyes are now large and lonely. His warm hands are replaced with _his_ cold ones. _Get off me._ I feel like I scream it. But my voice goes no where. I see Nny leaning against the door, _Johnny, Help me._ My lips move but once again my voice fails me. His massive hand tears my shirt. _No, leave me alone. _My lips are moving frantically. 

"You fucking slut. You're going to pay. You and that little boyfriend of yours."  
A man appears behind Nny, and sticks an object into his chest. Nny's eyes shoot open, the emotion in those eyes, it aches my heart. My hands shake as I feel someone grab it.

"No, NO! GET OFF ME!"  
My voice has finally returned as my eyes shoot open.

Nny's eyes are wide with questions. His head is cocked to the side. He opens his mouth to speak but no words come out. _Please, don't speak. Just lay with me. Stay with me._ I want to tell him. But I keep my mouth shut. **Theres no use in becoming obsessed over him. He'll become bored with me and leave. Like the others. Just like all the others. **_But maybe hes not like that. _**What are you talking about? All men are like that. They're only after one thing.** _He could of taken advantage of you a long time ago, and then he could of left. But hes still here. Making sure you're safe. That must mean something right? _**Hes just waiting for the perfect time. Then he'll leave. They all leave.** (PS. When did I start having conversations with myself? I really am crazy.) I ache to put my hand on his soft face, to trace his jaw with my fingers. To pull his face closer to mine. I dig my nails into my palm, and settle back into bed. He still remains on the edge of the bed. His long legs hanging off. _Please, it pains me for you to stay here. Just go, _I start to say. But no words are spoken. I shut my eyes, but remain awake. It seems like its been hours before I feel a slight stirring. Based on the movement of the bed, he must have gotten off. He makes no noise as he walks towards the door. I open one of my eyelids slightly, he stops at the door, his back towards me. His hair sways as he turns his head around to look at me. The look that he gives me is different. _Oh God. I've changed him haven't I? I pushed him away! I pushed him too far. He doesn't care about me anymore._ Frantic thoughts run through my head, but I have no care for them.

* * *

_And that was the day I lost you. _

No, not lost lost you. Just lost you. I really wish you didn't leave. Without you, I had to deal with the situation on my own. I spent many sleepless nights in that house of mine. Not as many sleepless nights as I have now, but… enough to call them "nights" and not "night"After I had gotten through, whatever I needed to get through. The whole situation just kind of faded away. And then reality came back to hit me square in the face. There was still a world outside my door. Whether I wanted to believe it or not. There were overdue bills to pay, and perhaps, the love of my life to meet once more. Love of my life? Oh dear. I can't believe I referred to…._you,_ of all people. What happened to me Johnny? **No.** What have you done to me?

* * *

Their sly smiles on their faces conceal lies and secrets. I dread to look up and meet them face. So I don't. And neither do they. The bookstore is filled with voices. High voices, low voices, squeaky voices. But yet, not the one voice I want to hear. The voice that makes my heart thump fast. The voice that calms me, but makes me nervous at the same time. The voice I haven't heard since it left me all alone. The other voices faded, and now I hear the one I long to hear. It sounds so real. Like hes whispering in my ear. His hot breath tickles my neck, and makes the hair stand. I look up for the first time, and scan the area around my counter. Nothing. No one. Just the beeping of the register in front of me. I look down, by now I have lost track of what I was doing. But he's here. I can feel it. I feel his eyes on me. And for the first time today, I feel at home. Like I don't care what people think of me! Well. Then again.. I never really did. I look down to what I was doing and try once more. And theres his voice again. For someone who barely speaks, his voice is encrypted in my mind. I look up. But once again no one is there. I can't take this anymore. I reach for my headphones under the counter and place them over my ears. The soft foam settles against my face. No matter how loud the music gets, I can still hear his voice. I look around. _I CANT FIND HIM._ _I need him. Now. I need to see his face. I need to feel his touch. I need to hear his voice._ I scratch at my arms. Hoping to kill the urge of needing him. My porcelain skin turns red. My vision turns blurry. The sleeves of my jacket wipe away the warm water. I can't take this anymore. I bury my face in my hands. I breathe deeply a few times. In. Out. In. Out. My body trembles only slightly now. I look up and theres a face pressed against the window. It brings a smile to my face as he looks away quickly when our eyes meet. He turns to leave but then turns back. Knowing I have already seen him. He hesitates to grab the door handle. He grasps it firmly, but the door remains shut. He looks up at me, his eyes soft and warm. I smile at him, he looks away nervously. _I'm tired of playing this game._ I run over to the door and push through. Causing him to topple backwards. Once his feet are placed firmly on the ground, I wrap my arms around him. He is confused as I nuzzle my head under his chin. He wraps his thin arms around me hesitantly at first, but in seconds a firm embrace is formed. I take in his warmth, his smell. The way his heart beats. I want to say I miss you. But instead I just press my ear against his chest tighter. I let go of him finally and take a few steps away. He looks at the ground, his fingers entangled with each other. I open my mouth several times before I actually say anything. 

"Do you want to come inside?" I point behind me, "We can talk……or.. Something."  
I shrug my shoulders. Hoping to hide the fact that I'm nervous. _Nervous? **He** makes **me** nervous?_

He shakes his head, slowly at first, and the faster. "Yeah, I'd like that." He ends his sentence with a little smile that melts my heart. I bite my bottom lip as a smile forms.

"K." I reply, my cheeks burning. I place my hand out in front of me, he examines it. A couple walks by holding hands, we both turn to look at them. He looks back at my hand, my shoulders are shrugged now, worried that I just did something wrong. But all worries are lost when he takes my hand in his own. His large hand enveloping my own. His long, thin fingers tracing the back of my hand. My face feels like its on fire now, as I stare at our joined hands. I look up at him with a puzzled face. He lets out a big, goofy smile. His teeth shimmering like stars. I smile back and lead him into the store. Unsure what to talk about.

* * *

**Yay. Its done! Please review! I hope I didn't lose you guys haha.**

**thesupernugget:** Heres a little Devi for you! Haha. I don't want them to be like totally all over each other. Cause that's not Johnny! So, I'm trying to make it couple…y.. Without it being so…couple…y. : )

**Spongewolf:** Sorry this took so long!

**Tentomushi:** ……… : )… Backs away slowly.

**Sango-Miroku-4Ever: **: ( Today is the deadline for the video. And my sisters boyfriend never emailed me back! He was supposed to change the format! Grrr. : ( I'm never going to meet my wife! Hahaha

**Invader Johnny: **:D

**sunglassesANDunicorns:** Mmhmmm! Mmhmm: )

Thanks for reading:)


	6. Masterpiece

**DISCLAIMER: **I dont own anything JtHM related! Although.. I wouldn't mind owning Johnny.. hes pretty cute. :)

Hi guys! I'm sorry this is taking so long to update.

As you can tell, if you took a glimpse below, this chapter doesn't start out with a Dear….. I thought I'd try something new. :)

**3/24/07:** Wow. I am SO sorry this took forever to get out. oo Please don't kill me.

_

* * *

_

_It's time to go. _

"No, I…… can't…. go. I have to write these letters."

_FORGET THE LETTERS! They're doing nothing for you! Face it. You're alone Johnny. Open your eyes. Its night. You're alone. This is the way its going to be. Nothings ever going to change that. _

No.. NO! YOU'RE WRONG! Don't do it, Nny. You've got so much.

"WHAT? WHAT DO I HAVE?"

You have…… Us?

"Neither of you fill my empty hole of a heart."

_A heart? Heh.. Since when can you feel? _

"STOP IT. I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE."

_Come on Nny, One simple click can take you away from this hell. _

"What about Devi?"

The two doughboys look at each other and under his breath one of them mumbles,

_Not even a bullet through her head can fix that wreck.  
_  
"I'm going to go get some air."

The wooden door creaks open and slams shut.

_Way to go._

_You can't blame this on me!_

_I hope he gets hit by a car._

His consistent footsteps echo throughout the neighborhood. All the lights in the houses are off now. The children are tucked in their warm beds. Their parents lay quietly next to each other, both awake. Neither dare to break the "normal" silence. But, just down the street from that "perfectly normal" house. Lies a house not so…normal.

* * *

A little boy runs down the hallway. A small bear in hand, dragging against the floor. He passes his parents room, inside a dim light shines. He creeps by silently and continues to run as fast as he can down to his fathers study. Inside, his fathers crooked figure sits in a chair, a small desk lamp is the only source of light next to the computer screen. 

"DADDY! THERES A MAN IN MY CLOSET!"

"I listen to you talk, but talk is cheap. Do you not realize you just wasted 30 seconds of my life?"

"But Daddy! Hes trying to touch m-"

"Stop contaminating perfectly good air with your nasty breath! Now stop bugging me! I have to work. Do you know why I have to work Todd?" He didn't wait for a reply from his son, "I'll tell you why. So I can feed you shitty food, pay for this shitty house and live this shitty life! Isn't that what you wanted from me?!" The mans hands were formed in fists and he was now shouting at the ceiling, "Its all part of your fucking plan isn't it! Its revenge for making out with that girl isn't it?! She wasn't completely dead when I did it!"

"Da…..?"  
The man directed his attention back to the small child. His face hardened as he said,

"Go to sleep now, or the man in your closet might hear you."

The little boys hand gripped tighter onto the bears paw.

"But…"

"Why don't you go outside and play or something!"

The tiny child looks down and turns on his heels. He takes quiet steps towards the door. Looks back once more and shuffles his way to the stairs. With each step the carpet covered steps creak. He reaches the end of the stairs.

"Come on Shmee. Daddy said to play."

He stands on his toes, covered under footsie pajamas, as he reaches for the doorknob. His tiny hand grabs the cold metal and turns it. The hinges make a low growling sound as the door swings open more. The little boy takes his first tiny step into the night air. With bear in hand, he closes the door soundly, and continues walking.

Down the street, a thin structured man sits on the curb. His knees pulled up to his chest, his stick like arms wrapped around them. His chin rests on his knee as he breathes in slowly. With each exhale a puff of warm air appears before him. He closes his eyes as his thoughts are taken away.

_You're such a pretty pile of flesh, Devi._

Her arms wrap around him.

_Her skin felt like a burning sensation against mine. _

Her palm pressed against his.

_A flame against my cold hands._

Her hair brushes against his cheek.

_A needle pushing its way through the palm of my hand._

A smile, a flip of her hair, her intoxicating scent.

Step. Step.

With his eyes remaining closed, he jerks his head to the side to listen to the night.

Step. Step.

_Its that fucking Chihuahua again isn't it? I KNEW IT KNEW! I KNEW IT! _

The footsteps come to a hault. A new sound is heard.

_Almost as if someones breathing into my ear._

His eyes open and he is faced to face with large, watery eyes. The two look at each other for what seems like hours.

"SQUEE!"

The boy stumbles backwards.

"Hi-Hi-Hi Mr. Joh-Johnny."

"Whats a kid like you doing out a time like this?"

"My daddy told-told me-me to g-go out and play."

"Hm. Does he not know what kind of people there are in the world now-a-days?"

The frighten boy didn't answer.

"Doesn't he know how many people would love to rip off that soft flesh of yours and wear it like a jacket? Doesn't he know how many people are just dying to make your head into a bowl that they can eat cereal out of in the morning?"

The boys eyes began to widen even more.

"You're lucky you ran into me Squee.. Instead of someone else."

_Lucky? I'm lucky? I'm surprised you're not killing me yet!_

Nny cocked an eyebrow, took a deep breath and turned his attention back to his feet.

_Here's my chance! Maybe if I back away quiet enough.. He won't hear me! On the count of three. One.. Two…Thr- does he look sad to you Shmee? _

The small boy directed his attention to the inanimate toy.

"Wh- What- Why are you out here?"

Nny looks over at him and observes him. He watches the fragile childs' body shake.

"Just.. Thinking.. I guess."

"About what?"

_Devi._

A puff of air appears from Johnnys mouth.

"Nothing really."

Squee looks over at him, his little body disregarding everything his mind was telling him to do and sits down on the curb next to him.

"Y-you know.. When I'm feeling sad… I tell Shmee why I'm sad.. And it-it makes me feel better."

"Hmm.. Yeah I see your point, Squee. That's what I usually do with that one guy.. The one that wouldn't stop begging for me to let him go…. So I stuck a nail through his neck and shoved a box of thumbtacks down his throat."

A large smile formed across Johnny's face as Squee inches his way away from him.

"So.. You wouldn't mind if I told you?"

The frightened boy shook his head frantically.

"Well… its about Devi."

"Wh-Whos Devi?"

"The only other person I could possibly ever feel for." Nny whispers.

"Wh-what happened?"

"I tried to kill her."

Squee tried his best to fake interest to cover up the panic raging inside of him.

"But I mean that in the **nicest** possible sense of the word."

Squee mouthed an "Oh"

"And.. I guess shes all I think about…."

The small boy tried his hardest not to let out an "aww," but once again his body took control. As his mind fought against it, his mouth started to form the word. But by the time the air escaped his mouth it turned out as,

"Eek!"

"What was that Squee?"

"Nothing."

"What should I do?"

"You should tell her that, Johnny."

"She probably hates my guts."

"You won't know unless you tell her."

"You know what Squee?"

_Please don't kill me. Please don't kill me. Please don't chop off my head and place it on a board above your mantle piece._

"I think…"

_Oh God._

"You're right!"

Squee exhaled a sigh of relief.

"I'm going to write a letter!" Johnny exclaimed loudly. He stood up placed one foot on the curb as if he was claiming land. "I am going to write a letter and win her heart again! Once I get you home of course. Come on Squee."

Squee didn't need to be asked twice. Going home meant getting away from this crazy man. Even if he was walking him home, being at least close to home before he was slaughtered to death was the slightest hope he could ever long for.

The two walk in cadence next to each other. Nny leads Squee to the door and twists the knob to find it open.

"Now go tell your parents your home Squee, I'm sure they'll want to know you're here." Nny whispers.

"My daddy doesn't want me home."

"Now why is that?"

"I dunno.. He's always sa-saying that I ruined his life and that I don't deserve to live. But I know he only says that because he loves me."

"Well Squee I-"

"What the fuck are you still doing here?" Squees father says from the top of the stairs, "Didn't I tell you to leave? And who the fuck are you?"

"Hello, I'm Johnny."

"Yeah, I don't really give a fuck. So why don't you take your boney ass out of here and take that pile of worthless shit with you."

Squees eyes begin to water and his lips begin to quiver. Johnny pats the top of his head. Squee looks up at him as Nny gives his an encouraging smile. Nny takes his hand off Squee and moves closer to the boys father.

"Get the fuck away from me freak show."

"Now now. I can't do that. You see. You're saying very cruel things to a very close friend of mine. And for that. I'm going to make sure you suffer!"

Nny smiles at the thought of ripping off his arms and shoving them down his throat. He looks back at Squee as a flood of sympathy washes over him.

_A boy does need a father._ _Damn. Looks like I don't get to kill anyone tonight._

With that, Nny pulls a thick rope out of his pocket and wraps it around Squees fathers head. Forcing it into his mouth and tightening the rope until he hears a moan of discomfort. Squees fathers eyes widen with terror as he shakes his head frantically. Nny takes the rope and ties the mans wrists together. He pulls the man down into a chair and ties the rope around the whole thing until it is as secure as a seatbelt.. Or maybe a straightjacket.

Nny stomps his foot in between the mans legs, dangerously close to his "baby maker." Nny pushes his face closer to the shaking man.

"Now listen closely," Johnny snarls, "If I hear one more word out of you that is in ANYWAY negative… I will tear off your limbs, peel off your flesh and make you eat it."

Nny cocks his head to the side and walks towards the door. He places a hand on top of Squees head and as he exits through the door he says,

"Night Squee."

* * *

The wooden chair creaks from the sudden weight change. With a pen in his slightly shaking hand, Nny presses the tip against the paper. 

Dear Devi,

I love you.  
He scratches it out.

I need you.  
He scratches it out.

I want you.  
He scratches it out.

I miss you.  
He scratches it out.

After moments of thinking he comes up with,

How are you?

* * *

I hope I didn't lose you guys : )

Please revieewww!

**Tentomushi:** Thank you, thank you : )  
**Invader Thorn:** Eek! I'm sorry for that. I'm trying so hard not to make him OOC. Buts its hard! To portray him as like two totally different things.

**Mrs. Terwilliger:**Well I guess its just my take on how they met. We never really knew about how they met.. We just kind of met her. (Or maybe we did? I could possibly be wrong.) And this is just me writing about events that happened before Johnny tried to kill her haha.

**Invader Johnny:** I suppose so haha.

**SunglassesANDunicorns: **It's a very good thing. : )

Thank you guys for readddinggg! Please review: )


	7. There Is No Mathematics to Love and Loss

Summers almost hereeee... Lalalala. Expect TONS of updates then haha. 

I'm sorry this is taking so long. Thanks to those who reviewed. :) You guys motivated me to write this.

* * *

Dear Johnny, 

I haven't slept in what feels like days. Every time my eyes close, they shoot back open. Your face engraved in my mind. Why must you haunt me? My hand is shaking as I write this down. My friend Darlene came over the other day. I had a hard time letting her in. She spent about 3 hours convincing me it was her and not you dressed up as her. She told me I should get out. Get some fresh air in these dusty lungs. I could barely force myself to step foot outside. Once the breeze hit my flesh I was on the floor crying. I can't do this anymore, Johnny. I can't keep being scared of you. I can't keep turning around to check if you're behind me each and every second of every single day. I'm so hungry, but I can't bring myself to eat. I'm so tired, but I can't bring myself to sleep. My floorboards just creaked. If you're in my house. I'm ready for you. I'm not going to be scared of you. Not anymore.

Looks like it was just my house "settling," as my estranged father like to say when I was younger. I just looked at the clock. Its 3:37 AM. I looked out the blinds, coast is clear. I could of sworn I saw you outside of my window yesterday. You were gone before I could even take a breath. Maybe that's why I can't sleep. Because you're always here. You're always near me. I got to tell you the truth. I'm tired of talking about you. I'm tired of writing about you. I'm tired of thinking about you. So let's talk about me. I took up the piano. My therapist thought it'd be good for me. My parents forced me to take lessons when I was younger. I hated the damn thing. But its funny how fast it all came back to me. Each note, each chord brought back memories for me. Good memories, but mostly bad.

* * *

It was a Sunday evening. The perfect time of the day. When afternoon met night and the air was crisp. A tired looking woman struggles with holding a pan with her thin arms. Black and blue bruises extremely visible on her porcelain skin. Her left eye hidden under swelling. She places the pan on the stove and walks over to the fridge. Her thin legs look like toothpicks about to snap, as they hold up her slim frame. Her dark blond hair tied back in a messy ponytail. She grabs a spatula from a drawer and walks back. 

"Hey sweetie, How do you want your grilled cheese? Burnt or extra burnt?" She yells to the next room.

"Extra burnt!" A small voice answers.

The woman smiles a broken smile as she flips the month old bread. It's been a good day. Devi's father had left early that morning after the alcohol wore off. He needed to keep it fresh in his veins. Devi's mother was up all night taking each and every punch and kick he threw at her. Earning her a new bruise right above her waist. They weren't always like this. They were once happily married. They were once happy parents. It was about the time that Devi turned 5 when love was no longer strong enough.

* * *

Devi's mother had stayed up all night. Waiting for her husband to get home. He got home late, claiming he was working overtime. She looked him straight in the eye and knew that was not even close to the truth. Yet, she told him she believed him. It happened twice after that. One day, as Devi's father left for work, she strapped Devi into the car and followed him. He was in a unfamiliar neighborhood when she finally saw what she expected, but didn't want. A beautiful woman stepped out of a small, cozy house. Tan, thin legs and long, black hair. She walked with a certain twist in her hips. He collected her in his arms gladly as she planted tiny kisses all over his face. She placed his hand in hers and guided him up the driveway and into the home. He followed, only looking behind him once to catch a glimpse of his wife and his precious daughter driving away. That's when things went from bad to worst. The woman convinced Devi's father that she loved him and that he loved her. When she asked for the money, he didn't even think twice before writing the check. When he arrived to her house for their daily rendezvous, he found something he least expected. She was gone. Her, her things and his money. Leaving him and his family dirt poor. He spent hours at the bar, drinking down dozens of drinks. He made his way home and found his wife making her way out. She didn't have to say anything. Even through his intoxicated rage, he knew she was leaving him. But he just couldn't have that. Thats when the first hand flew, roaring over the soft piano melody. Devi witnessed the whole thing. 

What Devi's mother never knew, was that Devi and her father has a special kind of bond. When he didn't come home rip roaring drunk, he would sneak into Devi's room to check on her. She woke up one night as her father was closing the door.

"Daddy?"  
The door opened back up.

"Yes, Princess?"

"I think theres.. a monster under my bed."  
A crooked smiled appeared on his rugged face. He made his way to her bed.

"No honey, that's just the house settling. You're just getting used to the sounds." The five year old still had a worried look on her tiny face. He let out a sigh and dropped onto his knees and lifted up the pink and purple blanket. He peered into the darkness for a few seconds then came back up.

"Monster?"

"No monster, sweetie."  
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. He stroked her hair.

"Devi. No matter what Daddy does or no matter what Daddy says. I will always love you no matter what."  
By then the child was far away in dreamland. He placed a small kiss on her forehead and made his way out of the room.

* * *

A small note played in the air as the seven year old played the keyboard. The door swung open as Devi's tiny fingers pressed the keys. She looked up at her father. He gave her one look and swaggered his way into the kitchen. She continued to play a beautiful melody as shouting began. _Hmmm...Hmmmm...Hmmmm..._ She hummed to herself. Another chord. Another spew of foul language. 

"DON'T YOU DARE WALK AWAY FROM ME!" A deep voice shouted as loud footsteps entered the room.

"SEE! THIS IS WHY I'VE BEEN TRYING TO LEAVE YOU! YOU'RE SO DAMN CONTROLLING!"

"Controlling? CONTROLLING?"

"YEAH!"

Devi's father walked back into the kitchen. Her mothers back was now turned to the kitchen doorway. Unable to see her husband returning with the pan in his hand. He swung it over his head. Devi let out a little yelp, unable to get the words unstuck from her throat. Her mother turned around as the pan was about to hit her square in the forehead. Devi continued to play, but then the notes came to a halt. Her mother quickly held up her boney arm as the pan hit her forearm. The contact made both a cracking and a shattering sound. Her mother fell to the floor with a thud. The pan dropped out of his shaking hands. He reached up to his face and ran a hand through his hair. He bolted to the door and as he stepped out he took one last look at Devi. A small, fragile child. Her chest rising and falling frantically. He opened his mouth. It was barely above a whisper and barely audible. If she were to take a breath she would of missed it.

"Bye bye, Princess."

* * *

Devi made her way to the piano. Her therapist had it specially delivered. She took a deep breath and allowed her trembling fingers onto the cold keys. The wooden chair creaked as she shifted from one side to another. The first chord rang out into the silent night and then another. Until they flowed. 

Outside of the house, a thin, tall man leaned against the side of the house. He stayed close to the window, listening closely to every note played. He leaned his head against the paint cracked wall. The music stopped for a moment, but continued playing. He placed his fingertips onto the cold glass window. Subconsciously, he began to pry it open.

Devi's back was turned to the window and she was too involved with the beautiful music she was creating to have heard the window click open. Nny's feet were planted against the windowpane and his knees were brought up, tucked closely to his chest. His hands resting uneasily next to his feet. A slow chill slithered down Devi's back. The music finally came to a complete stop and her eyes were closed as she listened to the silence.

"Devi."  
His voice was soft and tender yet strong and deep. She opened her eyes and rotated herself on the seat. She lifted her head to meet his gaze.

"Nny."

* * *

**A/N:** Ahhhh.. I thought it was time they finally reunited. :) Please review! I love reviews! They're like cookies:) 


	8. For The Rest Of My Life

Whoa. I forgot the disclaimer again haha.

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything JtHM related! Weee!**

I'm glad people reviewed :D

**7/4/07: I am SO sorry this took forever to get out. I wrote half of it months ago and I forgot to write the rest of it. Heheh. :)**

* * *

A wave of emotions crashed over her. Anger, Uneasiness, Hatred, Fear, Relief, Need. All those words she wanted to say to him if she ever got the chance again, were there and then gone in an instant. Leaving her speechless. Her palms began to sweat and her mouth became dry. Her breath became ragged as they just kept looking at each other. _What is he thinking? Why is he here? What does he want from me?_

She continued to stare at his blank expression.

His stomach churned and his heart began to beat faster. He brought his hand up to his chest. _This feeling. This thing..pulsing inside me.. it feels like its going to break my chest._ He opens his mouth to speak. _Devi, I'm so sorry. _Only warm air escapes. He runs his hand through his hair. Feeling something he hasn't felt in months, Nervousness. He stares deeply into her eyes. Seeing tons of emotions, not being able to pinpoint which one was hurting her the most. He feels something else, Pain. Not physically, but deep down inside. Something he couldn't cut off and still be able to function properly. How he just wanted to touch her once again. Feel her soft skin against his own. How he just wanted to hold her, Devi, the only other human he could ever care for. How he just wanted to taste her and do things he could never do with someone else. Another feeling, Desire. _Please.. Just say something... Anything.  
_

"Nn...Nny." She says with trembling lips. His eyes meet her solid gaze once again.

"Devi, I-..."

* * *

"It's simple; I **like** you. I enjoy our talks, when you come visit me at the bookstore. I like you for **all** those reasons people ask a person out for. **There**, I've said **my** thing, now I just hope your thoughts run along those same lines. If not, then I'll just get awkward and leave quietly, after **killing** you." She explains to him. 

She looks at him with a dead serious expression. The two of them begin to fill the house with laughter.

"Aahhhh. Yeah, this is strange. What do I say? You are beautiful, I mean.. God, I'm so completely happy, right now. You've made me **happy**." He says with a smile.

"Good, then let's **both** be happy."  
She leans towards him with lust filled eyes. He's nervous, unsure of what to do and moves closer to her. Her lips are aching to be touched. He leans in towards her, erasing any space between them.

The blood in his veins begins to race. His fingers twitch as his heart beats uncontrollably_. Devi, Devi, happy, happy. I'm happy. She makes me happy. I'm.. happy. I need to touch her. I need to claim her as my own. She will be mine. I need to feel her body writhe under mine. She will be mine. This happiness.. I need to cherish it. I need to keep it to myself. I need to make this moment last forever._

"YES! YES! HAPPINESS! I'M HAPPY!"  
Nny shouts as he backs away from her and moves into the next room.

"Nny! Where are you going?! NNY!!" The door slams shut.

"Happiness? Beautiful happinessss. Ahhhh, yesss, so **rare**. So lovely like the beautiful stars and the dreaming moon...a rapturouss alien sky after the oppressive shit-smear of clouds has broken; true pleazzure. Ssmile! And **FEEL** it!!"  
One doughboy says.

"Mr. Fuck lies Johnny! No love, no happiness, no moon!! Nothing for you!! I speak the only truth! Untainted knowledge! Listen to m..."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, PSYCHO-DOUGHBOY!! I'M IN **NO** MOOD FOR DEPRESSION!"

"YESSS! Go Nny! Don't let the beautiful moon set! Capture it!! Freeze it!! Forever in time with never the memory of losing it to another day!!"

A small knock at the door, before it creaks open.

"NNY?! Oh, there you..."  
The door swings open.

"Nny? **Nny**, what are you doing?"  
Devi's eyes widen as she focuses on the man in the middle of the room.

"Immortalizing the moment."  
Nny says through clenched teeth. His hands gripping tightly to blades.

_That look. In his eyes. That's not Nny. That's not **my** Nny. That's not the Nny I know. Johnny... what's happened to you?_

"Umm.. Look, I had a really nice time tonight, but I'm sort of sensing a downward shift. So I'll be leaving now."

"No! You don't understand! I'm happy! I can't let you go. We've begun something lovely, and, as with all things that start, it, inevitably, ends! The beginning is always so fine! But decay soon follows, a degeneration into the tired, old situation. The rot sets in. This way, there is only the beauty of the start!"

"SHIT! STAY AWAY! I'M LEAVING AND I DON'T WANT YOU COMING NEAR ME!"

"I can't let you leave, Devi. I want you, always in my mind. Happiness is such a rare thing. I can't recall a bad memory for any of the others. They were all beautiful! All of them!! And now you!!"

"THEM?! GOD, HOW MANY?! OH, FUCK! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!! DON'T TOUCH ME!!"

"Please, be silent before you say something to spoil the mood."

And with that he lunges.

* * *

"Devi, I-" 

"No... Don't...Don't talk," She whispers. Her voice beginning to crack, "Do you know.. what you put me through?"

He opens his mouth to speak.

"CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE... what my lifes been like, since you tried to... _kill me_?"

He shakes his head.

"I've spent _too many_ nights, lying awake.. Waiting for you to come and finish what you've started. I told myself.. I wouldn't be scared.. If I ever got the chance, I'd kill you before you even had the chance to touch me. And.. now.. you're here and I can barely find it in me to lay a hand on you."  
She moves closer to him, her hand tingles with anticipation.

_You're such a beautiful boy.  
_

She raises her hand slowly, almost as if to touch his face. With all her might, she swings her arm until her bare hand smacks across his face. He stumbles backwards, shocked from the sudden impact. He touches his face and looks up at her with apologetic eyes.

"I don't want to think about you anymore! I don't... And...I don't want to love you anymore.. But damn it... I just can't fool myself."  
She whispers, more to herself than Nny. But he hears every word.

He finds that its the perfect opportunity to speak.

"I've-I've been writing you letters," He moves forward cautiously to see if shes planning on hitting him again, "I'm.. not really sure why.. But I have... so...just wanted to let you know.. I've... been thinking about you...too." He mumbles the last part.

She continues to stare down at the ground. He bends down a little and peeks his head up at her to see her reaction. When he's met with a blank expression, he fumbles with the pocket inside of his jacket. He pulls out a crinkled envelope and holds it out to her. She takes it and looks up at him hesitantly. He lets out a little smile. The envelope is addressed to her.  
"That's just one... of the...hundred." He reaches into the other pocket and pulls out a thick stack of envelopes tied neatly together with a piece of string.

Devi hesitates to open it. She can barely keep her hands still enough to hold it. Finally, her thumb slips under the lip of the envelope and tears it open. She quickly grabs the paper and unfolds it, letting her eyes take in each and every letter.

* * *

Dear Devi, 

At this exact moment of my life, I wish to describe it as a turning point. I now know that there is not just black and white in the world. In the middle, if you look hard enough you may see gray. I wish to find that gray abyss and once I do, I would like to spend some time there. It's been a few days since I called you with my recorded apology and you blew up. I deserved that. At this point of letter I would like to apologize. I know that if I were to ever come in contact with you, I probably would not be able to speak a single word. So what I want to say, and what I've been explaining in all the other letters, will be summarized here. I'm sorry for everything. You are the only other living thing that I have let come close to me. Till this day, I still don't know what you ever saw in me. I am a nobody, I'm not handsome or smart. I'm just a pale and skinny man that lives in a broken down house and hates to be alone at night. To drive you away was the stupidest thing I could ever do. I'm sorry for everything I have put you through. I am sorry for all the sleepless nights. I am sorry for the fear I have installed in you. I am sorry for the fright I must of given you that night as I lunged at you with knives. I am sorry for ever trying to harm you. I hope you can find it in the darkest, shallowest part of your heart to forgive me, for I am truely sorry.

I can understand if you rip up this letter and set me on fire. But if you don't, that's cool too. If I am to never see you again, I just want you to know this.  
I love you. With all of the black hole that is my heart. You are the only person that can make my insides tingle and turn my limbs turn to mush. In some distant future, if I ever catch a glimpse of you in your new life, I will smile with you at joy and remember the nights on the cliff with you.

Love always,  
Johnny C.

* * *

Devis expression was blank. It showed no trace of hate or fear. Johnny rocked uneasily on the soles of his shoes. 

"Going to find the gray abyss, huh?" Devi finally said.

"Yes."

"When are you leaving?"

"Tonight.. right after I leave."  
Devi nodded her head and pursed her lips.

"I'm coming with you."

Johnny was taken back. Devi, the girl that stayed locked up in her house and afraid to sleep **because** of Johnny, wanted to go with him?

"What are you waiting for?"  
Her eyes meet his and for the first time, he notices that there is no longer a thick glaze covering them. Her brown eyes are as soft and gentle as the first day he met her. Johnny makes his way to the door and opens it. Devi flicks the lights off before exiting, Johnny trailing behind her. They walk down the concrete pathway, side by side. Johnnys hand bumps into hers and she grasps it with her own. He lets out a little smile. The two continue to walk down the street. The stars shine bright in the dark night sky. Devi and Johnny were on their way to find the gray abyss, **together**. After they make a quick stop to 24-7, for a cherry doom brainfreezy.

* * *

**The End:D! **  
I was planning on making this story at least 10 chapters long. But after them finally coming in contact with each other, I thought that it would be a perfect place to end it. : ) Thank you to all the reviewed every update. You guys are aweeeesommeee. :)  
Please review one last time:D 


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